[Note: The woman in the photo is not the author of this blog post. This is just a random Flickr image that relates to the words below.]
The “something silly” that I didn’t realize until I got married is that blow-drying, curling, and other time-consuming hairstyling techniques can be really pointless once you find yourself washing your hair as often as married women do (you know, “the morning after”). So, I had to figure out new ways to do my hair. More about that coming up in the first issue of Muslimette in November.
For now, do tell. What are some trivial things that you didn’t think about before you got married? Anything funny, annoying, or surprising? [Please no husband bashing here... That's for a later post (just kidding!).]
More Ways To Get Muslimette:
Subscribe to Muslimette Magazine.
Follow Muslimette on Twitter.
Sign up for FREE Muslimette Blog email updates.
Image made using: mezone – She’s not a hijabi, fyi.
{ 156 comments… read them below or add one }
1. Something funny (and sometimes nasty) That sharing a bathroom means things stop being cute real fast (especially if your sweetie is a bathroom hog)
2. Something kind of profound- That men aren’t so different from women in the stuff that really matters.
3. Something kind of sweet-That a meal taste so much better when you share it with the one you love. AWWWW.
1. LOL!
2. True.
3. AWWW! :-)
naam sis i feel u i hate sharing the bathroom with my husband i told him we gonna have to upgrade between him n the kids my cowife n i go crazy we clean the bathroom twice a day once n the morning n once at night
I didn’t realize/know until I got married that I had to make full meals on a nightly basis, no more picking here and there when I wasn’t “in the mood to cook”
You cook every single night? MashaAllah, I aspire to be like you Ahdia! Do you make the same meals over and over again or do you have a plethora of recipes in your stash?
I was replying another post on here when this idea struck me. Why didn’t I think of sharing it before???
Use a pressure cooker for cooking if you need to do it every night. I use mine here and it’s a life saver! Basically, you just gather all your ingredients, throw them in the cooker, close, let pressure build, reduce heat, and in 10-20 mins, you have a meal. I usually use slow cooker recipes and just swap the slow cooker for the pressure cooker. Dinner on the table in 45 minutes tops, prep time included!
I didn’t realize until I got married that I had to live and put up with my mother in law all my life..
hmmmmmm
I love my mother-in-law! She really is the best. :-)
All of them very true, and was really stunned about the ‘morning after’ hair too! Makes you wanna go with a short hairstyle (had a boyish cut when I married, but grown out now and long hair is a pain to manage!)
What I didn’t realise was – someone hogs the quilt! I love snuggling in my quilt and then middle of the night, whoosh, ice-cold breeze on my skin and there I start sneezing. The compromise? Each sleeps with his/her own quilt, but then you miss on the cuddling to sleep bit, which makes it such that you schedule time to cuddle before going to sleep, which then leaves your half of the bed totally cold while you snuggled in hubby’s half, which then makes you reluctant to go to your side and you sleep under the one quilt, which then, full circle, leaves you with whoosh, a taken-over quilt in the middle of the night.
Did that make sense?
On the cooking thing, I cook every other day, and cook a big bunch so there’s food for tomorrow too.
And yes, a shared meal tastes great. I especially love the breakfast routine – who knew having coffee together even with sleep-spiked hair and not a hint of makeup on your sleep-blotchy skin was so blissful?
Yeah. I recommend going at least one size up when buying blankets! –go king size (top sheet and blanket only) for a double or queen size mattress and queen for a single size mattress…I don’t know what you’d do if you have a king size bed!
Thanks Huda. Hadn’t thought of that.
True though – what to do when you go King size? Oh, I know – buy two quilts exactly alike and stitch them up the center!
LOL–that’ll work! …would cut out the bulk of having two blankets… ;-)
Lol, exactly!
As long as someone didn’t roll up in it like in a cocoon or a spring roll, the stitched-two should do fine!
Lol sista ur funny, i aint married but ill prepare myself for the whoosh thenyou get the ice cold lol
It definitely feels like that! And when you’re like me, sneeze whenever something cold hits/touches you, you can imagine the plight when the quilt is ambushed into the other side of the bed!
Well I’m not married nor even engaged yet, but I’m waiting for that special someone to share everything with…
For long hair management by the way, I have long wavy hair and thinking that maybe after marriage I’ll have to go through hairstyling every now and then made me worried about all the time wasted for this, now I’m not that I found out that mostly I’ll still go with my natural hair styling :D
I love your comments, and I love this magazine… thnx all for reading my silly one :D
Amira,
The best ‘investment’ I’ve found for those hair woes is a good leave-in conditioner. I don’t have time to apply the thing in the shower and let it work, then take ages to rinse out. I got Dove’s sleek and silky leave-in conditioner and use a small dollop on damp hair and if I have time, blow-dry or else I let it air-dry.
Investing in good products is the way to go for long hair, especially when you need to wash and ‘do’ it every so often.
And no, lol, yours wasn’t a silly one at all!
Thnx a lot Zaynah – love ur name BTW :)
Thanks! It was the name of my dad’s mother.
Hope you get to manage your hair. I’ve found salon-sold stuff works even better than drugstore versions (if you can afford it, though Dove works good too), and if you’ve got dry hair, the Kerastase line is wonderful. I use the L’Oreal Professional, Liss-Extreme, serum from time to time. It’s always a good investment, especially on days where the humidity may be low and you end up with your hair resembling something that’s been back-combed to death!
Hehehehehe thnx a lot, I’ll try that. I’ve tried new way because my hair started to fall a lot lately – that is eggs :)
They really make a difference in hair texture and give a beautiful shine and color… all you have to do is beat an egg or two (according to your hair length) and you can add a small spoon of olive oil (if you have dry hair)… leave it on your hair for 30 minutes before your shower then wash it as usual… you’ll realize a difference ;)
Thanks Amira. Haven’t tried that but maybe I will. I’ve got greasy hair though, so not sure if the egg will work. Can try it on the ends though.
Mayonnaise can also do the trick–and it’s less messy than eggs but is based on the same principle (putting egg in your hair).
LOL! haha im only 16-and deffo not ready 2 marry, but gosh all these comments make me laugh! and they r soooo cute Mashallah! especially Zaynah about the quilt thing! sooo cute and funny =)
Lol, yeah, it sounds cute. The thing is, there’s always something cute and lovable in married life, it’s only after the fact happens (like with the quilt!) that you realize how much of a warm, fuzzy feeling is there all the time with you.
Really worth it with the right someone, and with Allah’s blessing in your home.
I found this so helpful, although I am only 16. I want to get married and have those moments where you tell him, “did you know what you did?” Zaynah I wanted to ask about marriage and love. I don’t want to be set with someone the traditional way I want to know the person and gradually fall in love. Can this happen in the halal form or what. I have seen a long line of unhappy marriages and stuggles in my family in general and I don’t want this.I want to feel independent but with a trustful and loving husband by my side and our kids to spread our knowledge to them and protect them.
Oh dear, I typed you a long reply but the post ate my email and didn’t have it come up! Arghh!
Okay, this is what I said – when I was 17, I fell in love and dated a guy who seemed perfect, exactly the kind of man I had as the perfect suitor – outgoing, popular in every crowd, very handsome and he looked like he’d bring the moon down for me if I asked him. I met him on my own, we dated, he proposed, and we got married. Nothing traditional there, and I didn’t want to do traditional at all! One month into the marriage, I found out he had not just one, but 3 mistresses. And get it that he wasn’t in for marriage with them, as in 4 wives is legal for him. No, he chased skirt and jumped beds! We divorced, and I was devastated. I swore I’d never get married again!
Then about a year later my cousin introduced me to her brother in law. He was recently divorced too, and when we met, in the traditional setup with family, he was just so not what I had as my idea of the ideal man. He was terribly quiet, reserved, always in the shadows. I always knew I wanted an outgoing and popular man, but look where my ex had gotten me. I spoke to this man (speaking is allowed when considering a prospect/propoal), found out he was a good, solid, responsible and honorable man. Every referral I also got on him pointed that way (as opposed to my ex whom everyone told me was a cad, but did I listen? No, I thought I knew better). So this man here, wasn’t my idea of perfect, but while he wasn’t Mr. Perfect, he could be a Mr. Good Enough.
We were married shortly after, and I went in with a ‘bismillah-hir-rahman-ir-rahim’ and as in a deal – determined to make it work and stick it through. I didn’t love him, didn’t think I would love him coz he was so different from me. But today I can tell you we’re both head over heels in love, and 8 years after, it’s almost as if this love is growing more every day. We call each other silly names even in front of the family and our kids are ‘ashamed’ of us so much we’re cuddly and demonstrative before them. We share jokes, and we even think of the same thing at the same time or he completes my sentences for me. He knows what makes me betetr after a long day, and I know when he is tired but isn’t saying anything. Yes, love does happen after marriage. The real clincher is trust, dedication and commitment – if you find you can have that with a man, even if the sparks the kind of a Fourth of July firework aren’t there, that’s what matters in making a marriage work and to bring the kind of stability and good environment for your children. We went in both with the intention to leave it all in Allah’s hands and believe me, Allah’s blessings do shower upon us when we make the effort to place ourselves in His hands.
I’ll tell you- talk with any suitor. Don’t hesitate to ask any questions to find if this man can be a go for you or not. Know what your ultimate goal is – find if this guy will mesh with this goal and view. That’s what you need more than anything in a marriage – to have common goals to take you through. Don’t get me wrong, all is not rosy everytime in my marriage! My husband’s got a temper and I’ve got one too, and I must’ve broken all the wedding china in the fights we’ve had so far! Nothing will ever be perfect, but you gotta know what you want. Love, the kind of rosy, bubbly thing we usually desire is an illusion – it’s just infatuation that will never evolve to something stronger or deeper if this man doesn’t share the same goal as you do. And if he does already, then it’s not this fickle infatuation that you’ll feel in the first place. Many people get in relationships because of a crush on the other person, and then when the feeling dies down they’re left with nothing to go on and it’s the breakup or the relationship going sour and bad.
Of course, I cannot tell you to do this as I did – I’m just giving you my own experience.
But if you trust in Allah and know that what He’ll do will be best for us, then don’t just heed your heart. Yes, we’re human and we want that bubbly feeling, but look beyond this as our heart is terribly easy for shaitaan to manipulate. Think with your head too, and look to the future. And also, always keep Allah in every consideration.
I hope this helped. If anything is confusing or unclear, do not hesitate to ask!
Wow! I must say that is a lovely story and very good advice! I am not married yet, and will definitely take that into consideration. I guess keeping Allah in mind and seekign his guidance will for sure alleviate our worries!
Assalamu’alaikum Sister,
I’m currently being set up the traditional way. I really wish I can keep Allah in consideration during this process too. Hopefully, our (mine and his) motives and hopes of Allah’s blessing in the Hereafter are the same. I thoroughly agree with all that you say. I trust Allah will do the best for me too. Also the shaitaan bit, its so true. May Allah Bless you and your family for sharing such encouraging words. Amiiin!
Salaam Sister, may Allah make it easy on u.
hmm I know im young for marriage, im just in my teens. But i was still worried for the future about the same thing. “not finding the right guy” but your messege makes me feel a lot better. And inshallah i hope i find the “right” husband in the future. Thanks for sharinggg!!! Jazakallah khair.
Hey gals
Just have faith in Allah. The rest is well, history! faith in the Almighty is all we need to take us through life.
shadia..don’t be tens….life means struggle with out struggling u may not get any thing…….bilive in ALLAH & ALLAH mercy……..u may live happy life
I didn’t realize there would be times when you may be in the middle of a heated argument and then salah comes in. It’s kinda like…do I want to pray with you now that you’ve made me mad? LOL. (But you should).
Yup Jamerican! That is so true. But the prayer helps soooo much. The peace comes rushing in and the calm. Alhamdulilah. And then the making up is sooooooo good. LOL!
realy the love of ALLAH ALLAH RASOOL (SAW)…………………..success in life
Salah is a great time-out, and really allows you to destress and focus on something else.
Sometimes the argument will still be simmering, but hey, that’s what being married is about too – interaction with someone else! It’s a bit the spice of life too. And Samira is right too – so good making up again!
Soooo true,i definitely had that problem more than once.oooh and then that guilt sweeps over you.And you have to be the better person,it can be wild.(haha)
The hair thing was such a hassle at first… I used to try to do a different style allof the time. Once I realized all the hair washing I had to do everyday, I chose a more manageable, practical style! Lol… I had to share this with my bestie, Nadira recently because she is a newlywed… Great topic…
-Najwa
Muslimah2Muslimah
Salam Najwa! By the way u guys rock! I love ur website…so wat is the manageable practical style ur referring to? Braids? I think one thing would be going natural otherwise my hair would just fall off…
Hey everyone I was just reading this and you guys jsut make me laugh in a good way. I mean im not married (only 17) so i wouldn’t know about washing my hair ‘the mornig after’ but if you must wash your hair every so often just make sure you apply coconut oil before washing because shampoo strips your hair of all the natrual oils. So coconut oil helps your hair to retain some of its oils. And also another easy solution to the hair thing is to just wash you hair dry it and apply what ever moisturizer you use and just put on you hijab then you won’t need to worry about always styling your hair you know. whats under the hijab stays under the hijab:PLOL LOL. Anyway I hope you all find the solutions to your concerns. And inshallah someday I will too. :P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P
Bismillah,
Maybe some of you sisters came from a very woman-power household before marriage, like me. I had a single mom and was the only child at home. When I got married I wasn’t expecting so much cooperation! I was used to doing things MY WAY and, at first, I wanted my husband to do things MY WAY too! But Alhamdulillah I’ve realized that trying to control your husband is inhumane!! and disrepectful. My advice: respect his choices without criticism, and encourage him lots and everyone is happy! it’s a guaranteed success i’A.
Also….deffo wasn’t expecting to cook every night…but that’s why I have my mom on speed dial! “Mom? Why aren’t the taco shells frying the way i want?”
Lol, I love the mom-on-speed-dial thing! It used to be my saviour when I just got married and had to handle a kitchen all alone. I remember that call I made once – uh, Mom, how long do you need to boil an egg? (yes, that did happen!)
Yes, the men do help, could be something about following the examples of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) who said a man should aid his wife and not hinder her.
Definitely respect his choices, and another thing I learned, if he’s sulking or in a funk, don’t get involved or let your own hackles rise, even if you need to bite your lip very hard for that. Let him work his way out of it, and most often, he’ll come back to you and you just know by his gestures and the way he is, that he is saying, thank you for standing by me. Compromise a lot, and just know that in a marriage, there’s a winner only if the two involved stick together and both will be losers if either tries to get the upper hand on anything.
mashaallah sista zaynah wow seriously that brought tears to my eyes cuz im feeling that first hand may ALLAH(swt) reward u for those very wise word of kindness(advice) and may He grant us all jennah ameen
Ameen to that, sister Shamirah! My husband and I both came from a broken first marriage, and there have been times when it really looked like we’d reached the final leg of our relationship. But Allah granted us strength to stick together (our son helped a lot in that, as in, we don’t want a fragmented family for him) and that’s how we both learned to compromise. I admit it takes the woman to make the first step there, a man’s ego will never let him do it, but if you lead the way in this compromise and understanding thing, he usually sees it and follows.
Mashallah!! :P Well said you give really good advice and sound as if you lots of expirence with the topic of marriage.
How long were you married??!!:P Alhamduliallah my mother had taught how to cook, well began when I was seven. (Im 17 now) to this day it’s “Amirah can you make dinner tonight” even having grown up with four other sisters it always me. But don’t take it the wrong way Im thankful i learned.
Zaynah mashallah you are really intelligent I hope that your marriage will continue to get better and may alllah bless you and continue to give you knowledge.
Amirah
My first marriage lasted 7 months, and the second and current one is going into its 9th year.
Lol about the cooking. I learned how to cook in my teens, though I mostly winged it through cookbooks lik Australian Women’s Weekly (not much for the heavy Indian food my mom made, I’m more continental, Italian and Mexican). I remember making stuff like lasagna one Saturday a month at my parents’ place. Fond memories! And yeah, I could make lasagna but didn’t know how long it took to boil an egg!
I agree about the food … I can’t just eat popcorn and cookies for dinner anymore! :(
wow everything u sister posting has also been my reality n im lso a newlywed but im so blessed to have my cowife shes my best friend so we help one another out as much as possible especially with house work cooking n oh yes hair lol n th elikes of that mashaallah i couldnt imagine being the only wife this brother is crazy lol jus kiddin
Shamirah,
Assalam aleikoum. This is actually the first time I’m meeting someone who is a cowife. Don’t get me wrong, but how do you do it? I mean, what is it like? I know I will let my husband marry again if he so chooses, but at the same time I cannot fathom being in those shoes. Please don’t feel offended, I’m just curious as this is a side of me I haven’t reconciled with yet.
Jazakh-Allah for your response.
as salaamu alaikum Zaynah
ppl ask me that all the time i mean everything i do is for the sake of allah(swt) i feel like i have no right to not b ok wit something that allah has made permissable plus i get tired of ppl fast so i never want to be unjust to my husband i never wanted to b the only wife n when i feel like i dont wanna be around him he has someone that will play that role n im a product of a plural marriage my self my dad had 3 wives buti understand ur point though cuz dont get me wrong i do have a jealous streak sometimes but i never let it linger to longer because i kno thats nothing but the shatan
Shamirah,
It’s the jealous streak I’m worried about too. I do understand your point of view, I just wished I were as strong (insha’Allah I will be) and determined and resolute about it. I admire you for this strength.
I had a really disastrous first mariage where my husband cheated on me with anything under 30 that wore knickers, so maybe I’m scarred and scared in that way.
But yes, I do know what you mean about your husband having someone else to be with. You’re lucky, blessed really, to have your cowife as best friend. Many women in this situation would try to get the one-upmanship on the other wife and that can get nasty.
Thank you so much for replying me!
as salamau alaikum zaynah u r very welcome but thank u also most sista tell me that im crazy or stupid but hey at the ned of the day my motive is to get as much knowledge as i can get n impliment it so hey sometimes u gotta swallow ue pride n ego cuz i figure he could b cheatin but hes not n even if he decided to leave i got the main thing i wanted n thats n great knowledge n understanding of this deen subhannallah wa bihamdih
You’re very right in your thinking. Ultimately, it’s Allah and He alone that matters.
No, you’re not crazy or stupid. You do something with your heart and faith, and that can never be wrong. I tell you this because I got this a lot when I went from the jeans-tee girl to the jilbab-hijabi. It may not look or feel right to others, but if it does to me because of my faith, then who’s to judge really?
Aww how cute at what everyone said! (I’m not married yet lol)
But, do you have to cook for your husband?
I mean like, in Islam, do we have to cook and clean for our husband?
I’m not sure we ‘have’ to, not certain what the Hadith (sayings of the Prophet Muhammad SAWS) says about this, but I do know that the Hadith says a man should help his wife around the house.
I cook and clean mostly coz I’m a stay-at-home-mom, so I’m here all the time and between my at-home job too, I take care of the house. It’s also a cultural thing, as in I’m of Indian origin and the wife is always the one in the kitchen/household then. My husband can cook, but it’s very elementay cooking that frankly, lol, doesn’t taste like much, but it’s edible!
I hope the other sisters can answer you better.
I personally think it’s not fair for my husband to go out and work and earn for our house and he still has to cook and clean when he gets home. If I were working out of the house too, then it would’ve needed to be a half and half split thing. As it stands already, my husband cooks and does the dishes in the weekend, because I do it all the rest of the week. It’s his way of helping, though I do often take care of the dishes and stuff too in the weekend if I have some free time.
I am in a plural marriage now.
I find the best thing for me is not to ask questions about what is going on with my husband and my co-wife if they are having problems. When this situation first presented itself, we were all very involved with what was going on with each other and it caused a lot of problems. In the end, for my own sanity, I felt that is was best not to be nosy and ask about their situation. If my husband says he’s having problems, then I tell him I am sorry to hear that but I do not ask any questions as to what is going on. My husband tells me if it has something to do with me, and that is all I really need to know. Although we are co-wives, we both individually have marriages to our husband and a marriage is hard enough to sustain without any extra being added to it.
She and I are very friendly and we talk also, but I leave the husband out of it. We both know that we are married to him and love him dearly.
I didn’t want to be the only wife, as I saw in another post. I did have a marriage where I was the only wife and I enjoy my present marriage so much better. We are still working out time sharing issues but on the whole, I love both my husband and my co-wife.
Do I have jealousy issues, you bet! It is a natural human emotion, but it is not something that I am going to allow to interfere with my marriage and my husband is really a trooper and deals with it very well lol. Even before I came to Islam, I envisioned having a marriage where my husband wouldn’t live with me all the time and Islam provided the perfect solution to that.
As Muslimahs, we have to recognize what Allah (swt) has made allowable to our men and if Allah (swt) has made it allowable, then who are we to put conditions on our men. In my jahiliyah days, many boyfriends cheated on me, and I found that it wasn’t the actual cheating itself that made me so mad, but the lies and deceptions that came along with it. Islam solved that by allowing more than one wife and giving all wives rights. That is something that you can’t get anywhere else.
Plus, I was raised by a single mother and was taught to be highly independent. I get to enjoy my independence plus the security of a marriage, it works out great. For all of you sisters that actually live with your co-wives, I applaud you. This is a very new situation for all of us and maybe one day we could come to that. As it stands now, I think that we all are comfortable with me living in my own home.
To answer the question though, one thing I didn’t know before getting married was my husband’s time management issues. My husband is very busy with two wives, two jobs, his duties in the community, his outside activities that keep him sane, and life in general. Although it should’ve been glaringly obvious, I didn’t realize that it would be an issue lol. As for morning hair, one thing I can suggest is after, sleep with a satin wrap or on a satin pillow. I cover my hair before I go to sleep and it’s not so bad in the morning. I also wear my hair in naturally, so it just takes a shower. Also another thing that can be tried is co-washing, washing your hair with conditioner instead of shampoos. It leaves the hair clean, soft, and very manageable. Shampoos can be drying. I also use a really good moisturizer and leave-in conditioner that really helps.
Latifah,
Thanks for your words of wisdom too. It takes guts to be able to handle one marriage alone, and one where there is a cowife is definitely more challenging. Like I was telling Shamirah, I know I will let my husband marry again and deal with the situation when it comes even if I am a bit apprehensive. Like you say, you gotta work it out.
I had never looked at it the way you ladies present this, as in a husband who isn’t with you 24/7. That’s really an eye opener.
On the hair thing, good tip on the conditioner wash. Baby shampoo also works well on days when your hair wouldn’t be able to tolerate normal shampoo.
I’m still having a hard time grasping the whole issue of co- wives. I mean I’m really happy that it works for you guys but I don’t know if I could handle it. Im not trying to question the deen of allah but would’nt it be hard for a man to love two women equally. I mean that’s what islam says if youre going to have more than one wife you must love them equally. It takes alot of gut a perserverence to do what you guys do but alhamdullilah it works for you guys.
well good luck to you zaynah if your hubby ever decides to marrie another
I’m not sure the ‘love’ would be exactly like an exclusive one-wife marriage. But then too, 2 women will not want/need/desire to be loved the same way – I guess as long as the husand gives them both the happiness they want, that should pretty much balance the whole deal.
I dont think the hubby has to love his wives euqlly, no one can love 2 human beings equally! Even your kids, you can’t love them equally…I believe, he has to just treat them equally!
am loving this website already all this sharing of advice, sistas one love.
Aren’t the co wives supposed to live in separate dwellings? I’m glad that it works with you all but I thought the husband was supposed to be able to provide for two different households..?
Hey Nadia, actually it isnt a must. Basically it’s all about whatever works and the husbands means. If the husband can afford it and if the wives really want it then usually they get separate homes, otherwise, they all learn to live in peace under one roof.
what i never thought of before marriage was how patient and tolerating you have to be in a marriage. you know sometimes you have argument with your hubby, though it might not be your fault and he knows that but his ego would not let him accept that immediately, so you as a woman would tolerate and accept it that way, even though there are men that will come to say soory after making up. for me that was something i had to learn cos i am the kind of person that will not accept blame if i know i am not at fault. and the hair thing, it is quite stressful, but what i do with my hair is to plait it every week.
I agree with a lot of women on here! Never knew that i would never be able to style my hair again! lol
Lol. Invest in a good haircut, the kind that doesn’t need tons of styling. Also, get acquainted with hair products – they’re the real life saver! Don’t know how many times a frizz-smoother came to my rescue!
I will be married next year. I have just had a conversation with my mum over breakfast today. She told me to start training myself to get up early in the morning.You see, I have a habit of taking long showers and taking ample time just to get ready. She did mention about washing hair and all that stuff.
After reading all this posts, now I fully understand what she meant.
Btw, i have marked this page as my favourite since I love to read all the issues raised in the comments.
Nadiyah, you remind me of myself when I was single. I’d block the only bathroom of the house for at least an hour and a half in the mornings! Now I’m lucky if I get to sprint in for 15 mins! Of course, I’ve got kids too, but the morning hair – definitely an issue! My blow dryer is my best friend!
But as far as the morning hair…I heard you dont need to wash your hair, you just need to we the scalp and rub it…do you all just feel its easier to wash it clean?
Rabeeyah,
I read too that three handfuls of water to wet the hair and worked into the scalp works the same as a full-on bath soaking the hair the morning after. I usually go for the full shower but if pressed for time I do the water rubbing thing.
You do however need to blow dry or at least dry the wet hair even if you go this route, so some may prefer to do the whole head in the process.
one of my friends actually said…I didn’t believe that after 9 weeks of marriage .I’ll wake up one night and see my husband who was a student of knowledge at the time, watching porn!
Ouch! Did that happen to you? What did you do? I cannot imagine being in that predicament…
But then, men are men, you know. We’re all so easy to fall into shaitaan’s traps
yes..that really happened…I don’t know what to tell her…do you have any words of advice…she still hates her husband for this…she told me she can’t forgive him.
would you forgive him…I think I’ll still be hating him if he was my husband.
I wouldn’t forgive. because we may forgive and then the guy just falls back into his vice again after assuring us he was ‘clean’. Relapse does happen, you know.
I think she needs to figure out what she wants out of this marriage. No point in remaining with a man she despises – that’s a surefire gateway to let evil prey on her and her desire to do right. There’s a saying that goes, better be alone than unhappy. For us Muslims I think ti’s got to be, better be alone than with someone who can lead you down the wrong path.
Salam sisters,
I’m my last year of high school in a western country. I started wearing the hijab at an early age, and wearing it i gone through so many different experiences and developments in the way i perceived my hijab.
At school i don’t have any close muslim friends and the older i get, the more isolated i feel from my non-muslim friends, as i obviously don’t go to the parties where people sometimes get drunk and i would have to mingle with random guys (another imortant thing to remember is that my parents wouldn’t let me go even if i wanted to).
lol, ok, i’m finally getting to the point, I LOVE THIS SITE.
I love listening to the all the things different sisters have to say about their experiences. Its very helpful information and very entertaining. I can’t talk to my mother about a lot of stuff because the usual generation gap issues but also because she didn’t grow up in the west.
You guys are like my older sisters, so keep sharing all your wonderful stories. :)
I posted this back on December 4 but since it had my email addy in there it went on moderation! Reposting now.
Salaams Loofa!
Lol, I loved your post. Warm fuzzy feeling of being considered an older sister (stress on the older, I just found my first gray hair this week, eek!).
This place is wonderful, love the camaraderie, and it’s like you can be open about just anything, because the other ladies are just like you.
I don’t know what the policy is about this, but I’ve wanted to get in touch personally with a lot of the gals here, just no idea how to do it.
Take care, and may Allah bless you!
I like reading all the posts, the adivce is really genuine and elegantly written. Inshallah, i hope to have that kind of wisdom to impart someday.
salam
Loofa I AGREE! but im not a senior, im a sophmore. and i just started wearing the hijab this year, lol so its a little different but pretty much the same (:
Congratulations Hawa!!
I started wearing my hijab in the middle of grade four. I had just come back from vacation (back home, where girls regularly wear the hijab for school) and decided i was going to wear it. My parents were happy for me but at school, i chickened out. I didn’t want to dissapoint my parents so i continued to take it off and hide it in my backpack at school. On the fifth day, a muslim classmate of mine saw me putting my hijab away and told me that it was ok and nobody was going to make fun of me (nobody in my school wore the hijab). So i put it on that day. My friends, the “popular” boys in the grade saw me and asked me about my scarf. They were like “are you going to wear that all the time now?” I said yes and they nodded. That was it, everything pretty much went back to normal. I’ve been wearing it everyday since. (My younger sister started wearing the hijab with me :))
I think i had it pretty easy, my friends and classmates were accepting.
Feel free to share your hijab stories ladies!!!
i just want to say i wrote a long response but i dont have time to re type it now :P sorry. i will do it soon inshallah. i dont know why it didnt post before but anyways Thanks (:
So I’ve now been married 3 months and it’s the hardest 3 months and best 3 months of my life. As a revert-muslim marrying a born-muslim I had no idea that I could be teaching him things about Islam. My husbands family seem to really confuse Islam and their culture or they simply think they are the same thing. I now tell all of them if they want to give me advise they better have the hadith or aayat on hard to refer me to as Islam is the only thing I will follow. I think us revert muslim sister in the west actually have it easier. It’s very clear and easy for us to see what in our culture is not Islamic. The other thing I had no idea I would need to deal with was the sister-in-law…. ohhh please help… This sister knows exactly how to manipulate my husband into doing whatever she wants, she calls contantly and wants to ensure she hasn’t lost any control over him, asks all about our marriage, creates problems, even contacting the Quran teacher at my Masjid to discuss how my husband and I are going… (she’s living in a totally different continent imagine if she was in the same city) I’m trying to be patient,vshe is his family but I really wish my husband would just tell her to stick her nose out of things… any advise?
ok now some small positive things…. Someone to fix any computer problem in 2 minutes, someone to open my can of coke (it hurts my nails), Someone to put petrol in the car (such a mans job I always hated doing it)…..
Hahahaha! Arent u lucky to have someone pump ur gas! Well as far as the in-laws….just take a deep breath and stick with it. I kinda have an idea of what you’re going through. Sister in laws feel that they brothers’ wives are their #1 competition..why? No clue! But you just need to realize that they are just insecure and dont take the situation at heart. Just deal with your hubby and thats it!
As far as Islam and culture, I think you are so right…Born Muslims not only inherit the religion but also the cultures that go along with it, and very often the 2 get mixed up!
Well hope all goes well with u!
Malayika,
I agree with Rabeeyah. There’s not much you can do about the in-laws really. My mother in law has tried to create rifts between hubby and I for I cannot remember how long and how many times. I just tune her out now, and she’s no longer to the fore as she was before. What you can do – don’t discuss your life (marriage or anything else) with anyone she can get in touch with. I know, hard, but she won’t have any fuel if she cannot access the info, know what I mean?
Totally agree with you as to culture being so intricately woven into religion. I am of Indian origin and the amount of stuff that’s been piled on, wow! Amazes me.
Lol, so agree too on the little things. The thing I love? Someone to hang the curtains (though he hates that, lol!). And yeah, someone to deal with the mechanic and other car people coz when I go I’m always treated like the resident blonde bimbo/airhead! (Allright, hijab they don’t know I’m raven-haired, not even close to blonde, but maybe just being a small woman on the ‘good’ side of thirty qualifies you as airhead material?)
LOL @ the auburn haired bimbo picture!!! Well its all so sweet…now you want to jump up and get married…I guess no matter what, a marriage wil lalways hold surprises! I mean just picture it this way: 2 starnger from different families, who have been raised differently, uniting in holy matrimony! I mean there will be some toe stepping no doubt bu I guess its the fear of Allah and the love for each other that makes things stick! :-D
Oh yeah, it’s a voyage of discovery each and every day! Toe-stepping? You bet! Volcanic eruptions of emotions? Check!
But it is all very sweet too at times, and there’s just this knowledge that someone is there. I always tell my husband that though we know Allah is always there with us, it’s good to have a physical, tangible body to hold on to, like this person is the anchor that keeps you from floating around aimlessly.
Yes, it’s fear for Allah and the love that grows every day with Allah’s blessing that glues you together.
haha my husband is the total opposite.. he cannot fix anything.. i change the oil, the tire, the starter and everything.. he gets so frustrated. and i cook dinner every night, he cant boil water in a microwave. . lol
I totally agree about the cultural and religion thing! my husband was born Muslim and i am always saying.. babe! that’s not Islam, that’s cultural. :)
I laughed as I read your post! I cannot imagine doing everything. Though sometimes it feels like if I want a job well done, I gotta roll the sleeves and do it myself. Like if hubby cooks, we get good food yes, but the sink and counters look like a bombed-out zone. And guess who gets to clean? not worth the bliss of getting a meal I didn’t have to cook, so I prefer to do it myself.
As for the car though, I only need to know how to drive it and not break it, lol, that’s my reasoning. the rest he can look after!
Islam v/s cultural – come across that all the time. Both hubby and I are from the same background and still we find how much stuff has been added on either on his side or mine.
I just stumbled on Muslimette tomight…and i should be married soon(insha Allah). Am really impressed at the comments i have read so far.. its fun and educating …people like Zaynah has inspired and article for my blog too ( @zaynah I hope i can share your marriage story with my readers ? :) under a “marry for the right reason” kinda of topic).
@Malayika.. i agree with u -somehow the line between culture and religion is so thin…
salam :)
Latifa,
Congratulations on the upcoming marriage. Insha’Allah you find happiness and contentment in it.
I’d be so honoured to have you share my story! Wow! That’s amazing! I’ve got to come check your blog, will do so asap. I’m so glad someone somewhere could have gleaned some good from what I’ve been through.
Assalam sisters :)
Firstly i’d like 2 thank u guys for showing us single girls such a positive view of marriage!
I don’t know whether it was my upbringing but up until a year a ago I was adamant (and in fact proud of) the fact that I would NEVER GET MARRIED. But then 2 brothers have asked 2 marry me and I refused them both. I am naturally a very shy and quiet girl and I seriously cant see myself as marriage material; as in getting on with a man (!), inlaws etc. I have had a very sheltered life so maybe this is part of the reason but realise I need 2 change! Especially as I really did like the last guy but I am holding myself back, any advice sisters? xoxo
Say bismillah-hir-rahman-ir-rahim and listen to your heart then. Allah will never let you go astray.
You know, I once went through the whole won’t get married thing, mostly because it was like, my mom said you gotta know how to cook, be ladylike, wear proper clothes instead of those rags you usually put on (that was jeans and a Tee, btw!), and I was like, If I’m to marry the guy has got to accept me as I am, dingy sweat pants and all! By the grace of Allah, I actually met a guy who prefers me in sweats rather than hot pants or the oh so proper kurta-churidar Indian clothing!
Marriage is truly a wonderful thing, but remember it doesn’t just roll out as perfect bliss before your feet. You have to work at it – marriage is about understanding, compromise, cutting corners when needed, and realising what really matters. For example, a lady I know just got divorced because she said her hubby’s friends were always at home. That can be annoying yeah, but maybe if she’d said that this day is ours, no friends, or if the evenings and nights were hers, maybe it wouldn’t have come to that. She walked out and went to her mom’s with her three kids, and threw the ultimatum – me or your friends. The guy said if you wanna go, well go and don’t come back. he divorced her right away! What I mean to say is, things can and should be worked out in a marriage – there isn’t one who is totally wrong or totally right (unless where faith in Allah is concerned, that’s a no-negotiating issue!).
Look to the man whom you think you could most make your life with, the one who could most help you uphold the commitment and contract of marriage. That one, only you will know, insha’Allah with Allah’s blessings.
Salam Willow,
I am not married and I used to be the well men stink, I can do without their cheating and lying ways….but u know when u get more mature, u realize u want to have children, u want to have an accomplice, someone to lean on for moral support etc etc…I mean we are only human…and Allah (SWT) has created the an for the woman…I remember ho wI used to wonder “how will I find someone who will be good for me, treat me right right, love me, etc “…and my mom told me, marriage isnt an exact science, all you can do is pray and hope that Allah blesses the union and guide u both….
So sister, no need to hold back, we all have to move on, make dua and if you really feel that one of the brothers would make a good catch, than go for it dear…it may not be picture perfect, but patience and understanding from both of u can make it work! :-D
Hmmm, what I wished I knew before I got married? Great topic and really takes me back.
1) That until I loved myself, I could not really love another. Sounds like a cliche, but it’s true. I had all these frustrations and angst, and I expected poor hubby to come along and fix everything and make me happy!
2) Patience. To take a breath, just for a split second, before I put my foot in it.
3) I should have learned to cook before I got married, as it still feels like a real chore to me. However, I am taking some short cuts now. I chop up huge quantities of things like garlic, ginger and chillies, and freeze them in small chunks. Any time I am in the mood, I make a big batch of curry sauce, and freeze it in small containers. That way, when I can’t be bothered, I just fry up one of the frozen sauces, and add vegetables, meat etc..
4) I can’t change anyone else, but I can change the way I think about / deal with them. Than includes in-laws LOL!
5) That my husband’s embrace is like the best place in the world, and even better then chocolate.
6) sometimes I will love him, but not like him.
7) That I cannot expect him to be interested in everything that my friends and sisters are interested in.
I had an arranged marriage, and had never even spoken to him before we got married. But I can honestly say that I fell in love with him, and still adore him. Our marrriage is better now, after 16 years, then it ever was. The first two years were very tough, and I think you both have to be committed to each other and just get through them.
Zara,
I so totally agree with all you said here. Yup, some days you know you love him but you just cannot like him in that moment. That means we’re human, and not just photocopies of each other.
The first 2 years are the most volcanic, yes. Guess that’s because it’s the adaptation phase, like getting to know the perosn and not knowing how far you have to go where compromise is concerned.
And yes, the husband’s embrace is the best place on Earth! :)
Hey Guys
Haven’t been on here for so long nice to see all the intersting things that sisters have posted.
Anyway I have a question about something that confuses me so much. If Islam doesn’t allow dating then how do two people get to know each other before they get married. Even in the case of arranged marriaages don’t the two getting married need to know each other. And Zara did you say u didn’t even speak to your husband before you got married?
Another thing is that I’m now 17 and my dad doesn’t want me in the house until im thirty. you know. i am of Somalian culture so it like the sooner you marry your daughter off the better. Anyway I have no intentions of getting married before i gratuate from college. i mean if the right man comes along before that then ill consider. Anyway i guess my real question is what can i expect when the time does come.
Oh and another thing that i would like to know is does anything really have to happen between the couple on their wedding night?
Give me some answers im getting curious about the whole marriage thing. :):)
Amirah,
We’re not allowed to date but we can talk to a suitor in a sort of chaperoned environment, like say, your family house in a corner of the living room. That’s how I took it through with my husband, we spoke quite a few times at his brother’s place (his wife happened to be my cousin).
What can you expect – well this depends on what you’ll be looking for in a mate. Have this already figured out and then when you meet someone you’ll be able to know if he fits your ‘bill’ or not. I know, it sounds clinical, but you do need to know what you’re looking for. Otherwise it’ll be a needle in a haystack situation!
Wedding night – this all depends on the couple, I guess. If you’re not comfortable getting into bed right away, you take it easy. But make sure the man knows this too. What happens is that the nikah makes sex legal for the couple, and most just indulge in it asap it’s legal, you know what I mean?
Hope this helps! Insha’Allah all will be well for you.
I just love #4 and #5….still smiling :-D
#4 actually applies to everyone in our everyday life!
I have to say, this is the first time I stumble upon this website, and even though I haven’t gone through all the posts just yet but I have to say I am inspired to become a better person.
Unfortunately, I have a long way to go to be on the same level of faith and dedication as you brilliant ladies/women. I often feel guilty and incomplete because I used to be much more compliant, much more involved with religion, I felt Allah’s presence and blessing in every aspect of my life but I have strayed. I am overwhelmed with guilt that often I don’t know where to start, I keep reminding myself of Allah’s mercy but I get so tangled in this vicious cycle of self-loathing that instead I stop dead in my tracks.
I guess what I am trying to say is, may Allah bless you in all your endeavours as you truly are inspiring to the rest of us tredding along trying to catch up.
I hope one day I will be sharing my stories with the same zest and pride as you do.
I know, I just discovered this website, and I love it too. So sorry that you are feeling down – you must overcome this. Above all, Islam is a religion of hope, and beleivers have to try to have a thankful and happy heart, even when it is a struggle. That is the true jihad.
You must never loath yourself – you are so blessed to be one of the ummah of rasoolalah (saw). Sometimes, when we think that we have to be perfect, we start to feel inadequate. But remember, Allah t’ala loves you more then 70 mothers! So you owe it to yourself to love yourself a little, if only for his sake.
We all stray sometimes, but life is like that. It is a journey, and every journey begins with now…this next moment. Every day we start the journey over. If we take one step towards Allah, he will come running to us. Why not do some zikr right now. Say “Al-lah!” and feel it with your heart. Even western scientists have discovered the benefits of saying “Allah”. They experimented on depressed patients, and the ones who did zikr got better more quickly and were happier.
Why am I telling youu all this? Because I’ve been there. I suffered from severe depression growing up; I had anorexia, hated myself and just could not connect with others.
20 years later – it is a whole different story. I am happy (mostly), confident, chilled out and at peace with myself and everyone around me.
The journey began with reading loads of books on positive thginking, watching Oprah, writing a journal, saying affirmations – then on the way I opened my heart to Islam, and felt a sense of peace that I never had before.
I am far from being a good muslim – but I am on that path, and every day I am asking Allah t’ala to keep me on it and save me from stumbling.
Your post touched my heart. I hope you will continue on your journey knowing that this sister is making duah that your journey be filled with happiness – amin.
Zara penned such a beautiful reply. I don’t knwo what else I can add.
Just think of it this way – there’s still place and position for Allah in your heart right now, isn’t it? That’s what you should focus on – as long as you allow Allah in, you’ll never be lost.
I wasn’t always the woman I am today. I strayed a lot too, but what I do know is that I cannot change my past. I can only act upon my present and make sure I take the right path into the future.
Think about it – if Allah allowed you back into the path where you’re thinking of Him, then you are blessed, dear girl!
MAisaa!!!!! Girl you rock! Don’t let shaytaan get to you ,for that is his way…he tries to make us feel unworthy of Allah, which will push us to abandoning our beliefs and our ways! You are one of the elite, you are a muslimah! In Islam, it is NEVER TOO LATE…Allah is forever Merciful, all is ask for us to repent, and seek his forgiveness…He loves you more than you know…be positive and step by step, u will get there! Much love to you sister, Muaaah!
lol
where to begin???
if I am going to be completely honest
the wedding night was the scariest night of my life.
I thought I was fully prepared
I have a mother, step-mother, 3 sisters, aunts etc…
I’ve talked to all of them about it, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened.
I was even a little bit traumitized, and became afraid of sex.
but, al hamdililah i worked through it in a short amount of time.
I just had to learn to relax.
and while I’m on he topic
morning after skin is hard to deal wth as well.
I naturally have very dry skin
and wudu 5 times a day dries it out even more.
and now it seems that since i’ve gotten married (all the showers) i’ve been in a no moisture zone. :)
but I honestly wouldn’t trade my hubby for anyone else in the world.
his heart is so good, and he genuinely loves me.
Quran
I thought I’d replied you but cannot see a post up. Sorry for that!
Yups, I think the first time sex is something we all dread. It’s completely unknown, know what I mean? People can tell you everything but until you experience it for yourself, you won’t really know.
For the dry skin, maybe you could try this – after the shower/wudu, before you wipe yourself dry, rub in some moisturising oil on the wet/humid skin. It’ll seal in the moisture. And if you can take a bath in a tub, add oatmeal to the water and make it quite thick and milky, and soak for like 5 minutes. Don’t use too hot water either.
Hope this helps!
Salaam Quran-
I think first sexual experience can be really surprising. No matter how much you prepare yourself-it is an initiation into a whole new level of intimancy and vulnerability. One thing that helped me is that my mother had very frank and honest discussions with me. One thing she reminded me was that two partners have to take their time to learn each other’s bodies.
It’s been almost five years that I’ve been married now and the intimancy is off the chain! LOL! But to be honest it took a lot of practice (yay!) and trust.
Alhamdulilah that things got better for you. Alhamdulilah for a marriage full of lots of ghusl : )
As far as moisture for the skin I use Eucerin.
assalamu alaikom sisters,
Wow, i am only 14, and i am just learning that marriage is not all lovey-duvey things, that there’s a lot of work involved,
i was just wondering, is the work worth the love ?
Yes – it’s worth it and more! There’s nothing quite like being in the loving embrace of your husband and knowing that next to Allah’s feet and in jannat, this is the best place you’ll ever find yourself in.
My faith and my husand are my balance, so yes, the work is definitely worth it for me.
“There’s nothing quite like being in the loving embrace of your husband and knowing that next to Allah’s feet and in jannat, this is the best place you’ll ever find yourself in”….wow Zaynah! This is worth framing ang hanging on a wall! Your husband is lucky to have such a devoted wifey! MAshAllah!
Lol. I’m crazy about him, what can I say! I love this man to bits. he’s been by my side through thick and thin and never thought of running off screaming despite my lunatic/neurotic moments!
Zaynah, I know exactly what you mean! I love what you said about the husband’s embrace. I too look at my husband in wonder sometimes and think, wow, he loves ME…ME with all my stuff!!! I can’t really think of another word for it, then stuff. I sometimes think that I was so achingly empty and alone before he came along, and then I get really scared of losing him, and I find myself praying that Allah t’ala gives him a long life and health and everything good.
May all the marrieds enjoy a deep and loving relationship with their beloveds, and amy all the singles find a loving husband – amin.
Zara
I know the feeling too. It’s like, what’d I do to be with a man who accepts me so completely? Like, oftentimes I’m this completely neurotic screamer who looks like she’s completely off her trolley, but he brushes it off or he’ll have that little indulgent smile on his face while I’m rambling about whatever nonsense at that moment.
Ameen to your wish!
Amen Inshallah!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, this is a little off topic, but its something that i’ve been wondering about for a while, I’ve seen it in so many hollywood movies. So, a girl is really attracted to this guy and then when they finally kiss, there’s no spark. Eg. PS I love you, 27 Dresses.
What do you guys think??
Lol Loofa. The spark need not be there. It’s not the indication that everything will go wrong.
The real spark is getting to know one another and then the fire lights up!
Real life love and romance is not the movie kind. That one’s rushed to fit the 1.5 hour format.
LOL!!!! Agreed! 1.5 h format!
:)
it kept bugging me.
LOL!!! u’ll notice that the girl would still find someone with that all “spark” afterwards!!!! MOst likely her best friend (a guy) who she grew up with!!!Soooo Hollywood!
Most definitely, like the ‘good’ one was right in front of her but she never noticed! And then bam, the spark is there! So lol
LOL!!!! Hmm..maybe the sparks will come afterwards…I think it’s all in movies…real life is different…it depends on the person…your state of mind, mood!
I hope so! :)
Assalamu alaikum,
I know this is way off the topic…but I would like to get your opinions. With respect to the issue about the banning of the niqaab in France. If you were in that situation where you would have to remove your niqaab or be deemed as breaing the law…what would you do?
I’m not a niqaabi so I wouldnt know what I would do…But I find it insulting that this day and age, countries would ban religious dresses…I mean seriously? It’s quite revolting!
It’s sad but true Rabeeyah. I read that maybe England and Canada will want to take similar steps to ban the niqaab. Even though I don’t wear it (anymore) my heart goes out to those sisters who have to go through with these ridiculous laws.
I mean what danger does a niqaab really pose? Will the sister kill with her look?
Assalamu alaikum,
Wow, what interesting topics. I have only just discovered this and am surprised at all the “frankness”. I live in South Africa have been married for 15yrs algamdulillah…7 of which was living with my inlaws. My inlaws are lovely people but I would advise any newly wed couple to live on their own. My marriage only really started after 7 yrs when we went living in our own house. My relationship with my inlaws is better now than ever !! Better to be on your own if you want to maintain yr love and respect for them and have a healthier marriage. Its hard enough getting to know eachother and still have inlaw issues.
Well, after 15yrs i can say it has only gotten better algamdulillah, we are still inlove after having 2 children (7 and 9). We are blessed that Allah (SWA) put a love and devotion there that transcends the physical.
The best part of the day is holding eachother/cuddling after all the duties are done and kids are tucked in.
Ironically Hijaab helped the condition of my hair , its much healthier now. I take care to condition and not blowdry too much..takes too long with waist length hair. Natural well conditioned tresses are da way to go !
Salaams Shanaaz
Wow, we’re geographically close! I’m in Mauritius, and lol, doing my degree distance-learnign with UNISA.
Agree about the in-laws. We lived on our own for like 4 years, and then came to live in the same building as the in-laws. They’re on the ground floor and our self-contained flat is on the second floor. Still alone but together too in a way.
Allah’s blessing is amazing, innit? It has been the case for us too, like we’re growing closer and more in love with every day.
Funny but my hair is longer and straighter with hijab too. I had short hair and it never seemed to grow before. I start wearing hijab and suddenly I’m looking like Cousin it from the Adam’s Family!
I want to say that it may be because since the hair is covered, its protected from the everyday dust and pollution, hence, healthier….
Asalamu aleykum! I’ve been thinking about this along time, I am not married but when I get married inshallah, what is the rule when you are a hijabi and your husband’s father and brother are visiting – do you have to wear hijab even though your husband is with you and also of course they feel like family as if it was your own father or brother? I really do not know the answer.
I would be happy if I got an answer…! Jazakallah!
Walaikum asalam!
You have to cover yourself when you are with your non-mahrams (those who you can marry if you weren’t married to your husband).So therfore, your brother-in-law isn’t a mahram so you have to wear your hijab in front of him.
I have an article for you about who your mahrams are but I’m hving trouble pasting on the site so if you wish to read it you can e-mail me inshAalh then I’ll mail you back.My hubby’s a graduate of the university of madina , so being a student of knowledge whenever you have any questions I can direct it to me to ask him for the info.Hope this helps inshAlllah!
Thank you! I think, I’ll do some research. It’s the part of feeling like your family I cant get past, but inshallah, I think I’ll learn more by studying more about the religion.
Salaam, I just love this site, I have been reading it for a while but was always too shy to comment. All your comments are so inspiring and I love reading sister Zaynah’s comments, you rock :)
Lol. Thank you! :)
salaam sisters!
i came across this website while searching for wedding dresses online :P and i’ve spent the last hour reading all the posts and comments.. i’ve learned so much, thank you to everyone’s advice and personal experiences.. it’s been almost a year and a half that i have been engaged and alhamdulillah my fiancee is the best thing that has ever happened to me! i guess i could say that i sort of got enagaged the traditional way, since i didn’t know who he was but our parents were friends.. i learned so much about him, esp since we did our nikah right away, we got to spend soo much time alone, and we got to know one another.. i always thought to myself, how am i going to love someone i don’t know, and subhanallah love just filled up my heart for him instantly :D.
though i am not married yet, this past year and half with my fiancee, i learned that i can’t always get my way and that i have to compromise as much as possible :P i am very stubborn, as well as my fiancee, so it sometimes a problem when we want our way lol another thing i learned is to be patient with him, since he has A LOT of friends, and they used to always go out every night, playing cards or just hanging out.. it became an issue since i always wanted him to be with me and to have his full attention, but then i realized that it was selfish of me to be like this since most weekends he was with me :P and he just wanted some “guy” time.. another important thing i learned is that i can’t have the perfect fairy tale relationship i’ve always dreamed about.. my fiancee is in america now, and before he left while he was here in jordan [where we live] we never really got into any arguments, but now since he left we’ve been arguing every 2 or 3 phone calls, and over silly things.. and like a few sisters mentioned in some earlier comments, making up is awsome, though for me its over the phone, it’s nice to hear “baby am sorry, am sorry for making you cry, for arguing with you and and for being a jerk.. your the love of my life and i would never want to do anything to upset or hurt you” hehehe oh god, i’ve been typing so much i feel like am off topic lol
Hey Phatty
Aww, that’s too sweet. yeah, it’s nice to make up. I had the same issue too – strong personality while the man was an even stronger one! Needless to say we clashed a lot. Like I mentioned here someplace, I think I have smashed all our wedding china!
But yes, it takes compromise. When I was newly married and shortly after a new mom, I used to want to hog the man’s attention all the time. I was resentful of the time he gave his other son (from his first marriage) when all I wanted was for him to spend time with me. But that’s not good. I learned to let go and appreciate what he gave me. I also started to work a few years ago and then I realized too that everyone needs some me-time and you cannot be with someone 24/7.
Insha’Allah your marriage will be a happy one! You sound like you’re on the right track. Curious – you say your nikah took place but you don’t consider yourself married?
we do that here in South africa too, although its not that common. If i’m not mistaken, you are married islamically but you just court and the marriage is not consummated? Maaf if i have gotten it wrong, im a bit blurry on the details. Its so that you can get to know your fiance in an islamic way.
Long distance relationships are tough. I got married to my hubby in Pakistan and then 10 weeks later came back to England. I had to apply for his Visa. In those days very few people in Pakistan had telephones at home (16 years ago) so he used to call me from a PCO. At my end, I would pour out my heart to him, and how much I missed him, how the days were like weeks and the nights were like months without him, etc.. and then I would get back thses formal, stilted replies like “how is your Mum?” because he was too embarrassed to really talk in fromt of the men who worked in the PCO. It would drive me crazy!!!!!
To make it all worse, I was in the final year of my law degree, but was doing the minimum of studying. My heart just wasn’t in it. I would wait for his letters to come by the first post, and then if I didn’t get one, I would miss morning lectures to wait for the next post. I still have those letters we wrote to each other, and reading them takes me back to a really intense, emotional time in our relationship.
But it is true that everything happens for a reason. That enforced absence made our love so much stronger.
I also think relationships are much more healthy when we live our lives in a balanced way. Expecting one person to make you happy is too much pressure on that person, and too easy for them to let us down. Too many women get married, and then turn their whole focus on their man. We need to keep other parts of our lives going, like career/education, relationships with friends and family, and our deen. And save a bit of yourself just for you – a little mystery is good!
Really great point sister Zara…I can so see myself as the one expecting my hubby to love and be with me 24/7!!!! But absence does make the heart grow fonder….
Such a sweet and heart breaking story! It’s good to look at those letters, innit? I had this happen to me when I was cleaning my email inbox a while back and stumbled upon those emails we exchanged while we were supposed to be at work and uh, working! Lol
salamun alaikum dear sisters,
I just discovered this blog and would like to say thanks to you all for sharing your experiences with us. As I am single and have been on the “never want to be married” trip for a long time, it really helps to read, what marriage really is about, alhamdulillah :-)
Big salaaams from Germany,
Samira.
Hi Samira
Germany! Wow, the blog is really jumping to all over the world! Agree, it’s a great place. I love coming here but haven’t done so lately as I got completely sucked up in university assignment business.
Asalamu Alaikum my dearest sisters,
Wow i am sincerely blown away and touched by the amount of advice and insight i have been getting from reading your posts. May Allah t’ala bless your marriage’s always Insha Allah. I am getting married soon (April Insha Allah, and I love all of your advice and will definitely take that into consideration. The bit about the hair is new to me and good to know lol that means i need to consider a good but easy to handle haircut soon.
I guess keeping Allah in mind and seeking his guidance will for sure alleviate our worries!
Continuing from my previous note
“Asalamu Alaikum my dearest sisters,
Wow i am sincerely blown away and touched by the amount of advice and insight i have been getting from reading your posts. May Allah t’ala bless your marriage’s always Insha Allah. I am getting married soon Insha Allah, and I love all of your advice and will definitely take that into consideration. The bit about the hair is new to me and good to know lol that means i need to consider a good but easy to handle haircut soon. You ladies are amazing and I guess keeping Allah in mind and seeking his guidance will for sure alleviate all our worries!”
Sister ZAYNAH, you are an amazing person and you touched my heart. I have learned more than you ladies can every know. I knew marriage wasn’t all “Hollywood” happily ever after but now I know what is to be expected of me and that marriage is hard work from both sides and patients, loads of it.
I thank you all for sharing your wonderful stories with us.
Jazakallah Khair
Your sister in Islam
Sister Rukeya, I pray that your marriage is everything you hope it to be, that Allah t’ala places a seed of love, respect, passion and compassion in both your hearts and the heart of your intended, that will continue to grow and flourish every day – amin.
I talk to so many sisters who want to find the perfect mate – something that helps me when perfectionism threatens to take over, is to look in the mirror and think about just how perfect I am – which is far from it, LOL!
This is advice that my Mum gave me before marriage, and it really helped.
BarakAllahu feek Zara.
May Allah (swt) reward your mum for that beautiful yet useful advice masha Allah.
I know once we place our trust in the Almighty I’m sure everything will work out Insha Allah.
Salaams Rukeya
Congrats on your impending marriage. may Allah bless you and your man with a really happy and successful marriage, grant you patience and love for one another.
I’m glad I shared about what I’ve been through, if it will be to help others who might be in the same boat. When you learn something, well you don’t lose anything by sharing it, do you?
he he i am not married but a married couple lives in my house, and its CRAZY the house is big but with 10 humans living in it it feels crowded we are really close but, i gotta live with it. the married couple is my brother and his wife
also its fun cuz there are 4 girls and 4 boys in the house so when we play games or have picnics the girls are always against the guys
Salaam ladies
My sis told me about this site.I have a funny story about my marriage. When I was in college there was this guy that was in my almost all my classes (weird right), throughout my four years. I had the biggest crush on him. I thought he was really intelligent, and handsome, and kind of quite and shy which only made me like himn even more. Never had the courage to talk him (not even say hi)
When I finished school my parents said they may have found someone for me. I didn’t want to break their hearts, so I agreed to meet him. knowing that I was just doing so for my parents. So one day I came home and my mom rushed my into her room and told me to get ready cause the guy was there with his parents. I was in shock, cause I didn’t think it would happen so fast.
I walkled into the room and guess who was sitting on my couch. The guy from college who I was infatuated with. Couldn’t believe my eyes
I felt like screaming, YES I WILL MARRY HIM. But I had to contain myself and get to know him.
So long story short, been married for 10 years. We have three beautiful boys (who look exactly like him:) and everyday I thank Allah that he allowed me to find the love of my life.
So the moral of the story is, listen to your parents. They might know what you want more than you do:)
Jazak
Mashallah!!!
That is so beautiful. I’m so happy that it worked out for you….
Awww, beautiful story! Glad you found him, and if I’m not mistaken, it may have been faith that brought him to your doorstep!
hey sisters, i know many of us Muslim women have to deal with hair because of the way we are. i just want to ask how do you all deal with it?
What do you mean by ‘deal with it’? Do you mean manage it?
I do the normal if I weren’t wearing hijab. Trims every 2 months, shampoo, conditioner, though the hijab helps since it kinda protects the hair. I have mine ina short style though, since it doesn’t really grow long, just thick. It’s more manageable for me.
Because of the hijab though, I try not to have it too short on my forehead otherwise it will not be held back under the head covering, but that’s about it.
shorter hair is much easier to deal with, I had long hair and had to keep tying it up so that it wouldn’t show, now its shoulder length and all tucked away :)
Thanks, but i meant excess hair on the face or arms etc.
I don’t think that is is haram to shave you excess hair like you armpits, your legs, arms, and anywhere else you get hair. But you can’t shave or pluck your eyebrows. I hope this helps
yeah that you very much. but do you ladies have any tips? is it better to shave or wax? pluck? burn? laser?