I know this reply comes after sometime, like many I have just discovered this beautiful site. Despite the time, I feel this is a very important issue to address because I believe it is something the ummah needs much education about.

As sisters above have mentioned, there are many different cultures in the ummah. Some cultures hold this practice to be common, both in their native context or in their diaspora (i.e. immigrant Muslim communities in the USA or France). Often it is a family by family basis with regards to immigrant communities, and like many things, this is a custom not reserved to Muslims.

It is indeed true that the hymen can be broken in many ways, and not all of them painful, long before virginity might be lost. The pain encoutered during the first few times one has sex (fear not, it gets much better) tend to have much more to do with a woman’s body learning to adapt to her husband’s presence, both physically and emotionally. Her body will adapt to accommodate, especially as she relaxes.

While it is true that a man’s penis is larger than a tampoon, it has less to do with size and more to do with the hymen’s movement. This is why something like riding a horse or a bike, or playing sports in general can result in a tear. Think about someone playing soccer, leaping to stop a ball from going into a goal and getting her legs tangled during the proccess. Sometimes our bodies simply get stretched and the hymen doesn’t make it through. Furthermore, even if a gal never partakes in physical activities, she may have been born without one or stretched it apart with a tampoon.

I had several websites I was going to post with this, but I lost my reply when I went to copy and paste them, at the risk fo a second loss, I’ll stick with just this one which explores the issue a little further (the others were more scientific from health forms):

http://sexinfo.wetpaint.com/page/The+Female+Hymen+and+It's+Significance

As I understand it, there used to be custom of a bride taking a small pin to bed with her the first night, to prick her finger for blood should she not bleed. While this provided reprieve for these woman, it has caused womankind through history of a great challenge: people now believe that without the blood, the woman is not a virgin!

The other aspect of biology that I think we need some ummah education on relates to the gender of a child. There exists, in many cultures and across many faiths, a belief that the woman is responsible for providing sons – and more specifically that she has innate control over this. A child’s sex is determined by the father – always. In the egg exists X chromosons, in the sperm either Xs or Ys. If a baby is born out of an XX match, it will be a girl. If an XY, it will be a boy.

The role of the hymen and the Y chromosom are perhaps two of the critical educational imperatives to ensuring that sisters across the world are given their due respect in marriage.

Ultimately what L’Oreal said is absolutely critical: your husband must trust you. Remember that the Qur’aninc verse relating to the need for four witnesses came following the Prophet’s (pbuh) accusations of Aisha which had been based on rummors created with the intent of doing her harm. While now, tragically, being used to prevent the recognition of a woman’s rape, there is an important aspect of trust being called for.

Furthermore, I think it is important that we remember a woman is worth far more than her virginity. Sisters across the ummah have been raped, have chosen not to wait until marriage, have been misled by men promising marriage, or have been put in economic situations where their bodies may have been what provided their families with food – their humanity, and their womanhood, are no less legitimate. Judgement is for Allah.

Ug. I’ve just realized there is no spell checker. I am a terrible speller – very sorry! Also, I did not look at the site which the address above was from, I only read that specific page. Can’t speak for the rest of it, and as I said there are many more scientific answers online if you simply search for ‘torn hymen.’

May Allah grant all of us happy marriages and the strength to work our way through the challenging moments.

I know it is a quandry to find the man of ur dreams when all r telling u to not talk to the opposite sex.

All i can say is that it doesn’t matter. Only god will fulfill ur path with whatever he desires – be that good and happiness or bitterness and sorrow.

I thought i had done the good islamic/traditional way of doing things and never had a boyf. or did anything untoward. My parents found me a man and we had an arranged marraige even though we never met or spoke before that day. Luckily he was a nice/kind, sweet young man and I thought we would live happily ever after.

This was not to be as his family (no extended family) treated me like an outsider and became jealous of me and my husbands relationship. They could not understand how we were happy whislt they were all living with their partners but living sepearate lives. They would do things without each other whilst my husband and I would go out as a couple, even visiting family/friends as a couple. Plain jealousy from his family ruined what could have been a strong marraige. And while i blame his family, I also know he has to take some of the blame as he walked out when he was forced to choose between wife and family. I guess he thought family would stick by him! I would love to see if they did or if he regrets his decision but alas I have moved on and am now getting engaged again, but still fearful that it may go wrong the second time also. Just praying it will be ok!

Evryone tells me Allah will make it alright – but my question is why didnt Allah make my first marraige work as we were happy – or was other peoples happiness more important than ours??

Unfortunately, noone can give u a definitive answer to ur question as noone really knows. U could spend a liftime praying for good and nothing but bad comes to you. I only say this as I know people who have never hurt a fly and their lives are in ruins through other peoples actions.

Just do whatever comes to ur head/heart – it may work out fine, it may not but at least u tried with the best of intensions:)

Basically what I am asking is, how did you meet your husband? My sister and I are both looking for men who are living in this country and we have no relatives to look for us. Please help!

Wasalaam,
Z

therfor my friend constantly warns me against speaking to guys and getting boyfriends nearly everytime we talk- after a bit she bbegins to get rambiling ans quite annoying but i no she means wel.

she herslef got married very early at 18 and had her 1st duaghter at 19… she assures me to gain respect with your parents dont go to partys and things lyk that, as many things can happned that u wouldnt imagine concerning boys. she tells me honestly that parnets may ‘lock you in a cage’ but its to protect you from breaking your heart

with out talking to boys (unless neccesary) how do you no who is right for you?

sorry for rambiling on but i needed advice badly-thankyuou sisters!

Jazakallah!!!