Last night something happened that I’ve been waiting for for almost 20 years… My little brother and our close family friend got married! Ali and Amara* are both 19 and from the time that they were babies, we all knew that one day, they’d get married — at least we all hoped that they would. Well, last night they finally did! The only messed up thing about it is that I was not at the wedding!
Can you hear my heart breaking?
Amara’s mom and one of our sisters were also not able to make it to the wedding. Why wouldn’t we be there, you ask? Well, after several (annoying) wedding date changes, Ali and Amara decided on Tuesday night – while I was on the train back to my house, an hour away from my hometown – that they would get married on Wednesday. And I wasn’t able to make the trip back for their wedding.
When I spoke to my brother on the phone, he kept saying “I love you!” (as if that would stop me from being upset), and he kept reassuring me that I could still come to the walimah (or reception). I’m over it now, but yesterday, I was a little furious. I mean, who would want to miss their little brother’s wedding? I don’t know many 19-year-olds that have a wife rather than a girlfriend. So, I wanted to be there to support my brother.
When I got married, I wanted my whole family to be there. I always dreamed of having a big wedding and I couldn’t imagine not having all of my loved ones there. To me, the ceremony is what makes it a wedding, but to Ali and Amara, the reception is what matters the most. So hopefully we’ll all be there when Ali and Amara cut the wedding cake (which seeing how fickle they are about wedding dates, could happen at any moment!). And of course the most important thing is that they’re married – alhamdulillah!
What do you think? Would you get married without your family being there? Would you be upset if you couldn’t attend your close relative’s wedding? Did you or do you plan to have separate dates for your wedding ceremony and your reception? Which one is most important, the ceremony or the reception?
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Photo: islandspice
Muslim Women In Love: Would you get married without your family?
{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve always imagined having all of my family there for my wedding too but I think nowadays it wouldn’t really be a big deal for them not to be there. I would want them to be there if I was having the ceremony and reception all on the same day, but if it were different days it would be more important for them to be there for the reception(walimah).
Nooo, my family would never even allow me to do that! Lol. I come from a verry large family and we’ve always taken special occasions very serious…I couldn’t even get out of going to my cousins graduation this summer and they didn’t even have enough seats for most of us!
Once I get engaged to be married im sure my mother and aunts will take it upon themselves to plan my wedding..I’ll most likely just be told to show up without having had any input on the planning!
And trust me the wholee world will be invited to my wedding. I’d be too scared to “elope” :-O
I dont think that neither the ceremony or the reception are whats important when it comes to marriage. What is important is the commitment that the two have for one another and what they plan on bringing to this marriage to make it last, to make it sweet. The ceremony and reception for the most part are for other people so me personally, i dont put much importance on that. So to answer the question, yes i would get married without my family present.
I agree with you–it is about the relationship. :) Alhamdulillah
I agree with Bahiyyah. Maybe it’s because I’m older or maybe I’ve seen too many huge fairy tale weddings end in divorce. I just think that the nikkah/walimah are not super important. Insha Allah just be there for him and support him now that he’s married because as we both know marriage is a jihad and a half@!LOL
I couldn’t imagine getting married without at least my immediate family at the event, and since I am the oldest, I’d imagine Inshallah when I get married that we’ll invite all our close friends and family.
Personally, I really want a small wedding with just my immediate family and the groom’s immediate family, and some close friends. But I have not been able to make it to some of my immediate family’s weddings, but because we live in different countries, its not possible to go their.
And the other commentors are right, I’ve seen huge weddings go to pot, while those that spend time learning about each other and developing an understanding fare better Inshallah.
Not all of my family was able to attend my wedding. We tried, but his sister and one of mine were not even in the same country, and no matter what date we looked at, not everyone could come. In today’s spread out world, sometimes families are not close enough geographically to all gather for a wedding. At my oldest son’s walima (reception), his bride’s grandmother participated by phone from another country because her health did not permit her to travel. She passed away soon afterward, and my daughter-in-law still has the special memory of her phone conversation at that special event.
Asalaamu Alaiakum,
Alhumdulillah in Islam we have the nikah and the walimah. My nikah was small. My Mom, his parents and his baby brother. My walimah on the other hand was about 120 people.
Althought I do understand the consern about wanting SOMEONE to be there.
**cling, cling** dropping my 2 cents
I would have to get married without my family there as they do not accept that I am Muslim, even after 3 years. They accept me but not my faith and they would never participate in a ceremony that proclaimed my faith in any way.
As Salaam wa alaikum
I think that’g great that you stand strong even without your families support. :), but I’m pretty sure you have some beautiful muslimahs that would love to attend your nikkah insha allah
My husband and I got married just the two of us and though my parents offered to come to the state we were living in, we told them we would be fine on our own. My closet friend and husband also offered to be present. My husband’s family was in another country so they wouldn’t be able to come either. Later, my parents threw us a small party in their back yard with my family. I always wanted a small wedding, but the two of us having a special day on our own is now really special to me. No one else shared that day but us, and I believe that marriage is about the couple’s lifelong committment, not one big day. I love how we got married, and we have great memories of our wedding day. But I understand how other women have more pressure to have big wedding events by their families and I love attending such affairs!
For me, the actual wedding is the most important part–it is a life changing event…and it’s up to the bride and groom as to if they want anyone there. :) To me, marriage is a sacred covenant between you, your partner and Allah. While you (author) wanted everyone there to celebrate with you, some people are more quiet about their celebrations, or may not have that kind of relationship with their family. The bottom line: it’s not about you (even though I’m sorry your heart was broken), it’s about the couple.
To me, my friends and family are there only to support us a couple–and I only want those people who WILL be supportive at the reception to celebrate with us. For my wedding, that is more personal. And I will be honored by having Allah, my partner, minister and perhaps a few witnesses present. But I don’t want a spectical (as so many weddings have become–more about the wedding than the union of two souls) for something so holy and sacred.
As for missing someone’s wedding. I do the best I can to be there and support them. If I’m not in a position to do so, or they don’t wish me to be, Alhamdulillah–they are in my prayers and held in my heart!
As-salaamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatu Allahi wa Barakatuh,
As a matter of a fact, I would get married without family (or anyone else, for that matter) being there. I don’t even have to be there. For my future nikkah (insha’Allah)….I’m not even dressing up fancy. Two witnesses, sign the paper, get it over with. The walima is for family, etc etc…and I want that simple as well. If anybody misses it…tough. It doesn’t matter. Whats important to me is the marriage, not the ceremony.
wow…….. thats great my sister same thing i av in mind.
assalam walikum
well i think if the couple want to have a big wedding is up to them.but in my life i got married without my parents knowledge because they were not going to accept it .why because he was already married had one wife .then i marry him now am his secound wife but i did it because of love .but i would really like to know my sisters opinion about it.
I would not get married if my parents and siblings (at least) weren’t able to be there. Marriage in Islam IS a big deal, it’s unlike any other ceremony. My parents did not attend my sister’s wedding because they did not approve of the man she married (I didn’t approve of him either, but my sister would never let me live it down if I skipped her wedding).
As far as separate dates for nikah and walimah are concerned, why wait so long? I remember an imam told a good friend of mine who was considering a 3-month delay between her wedding and reception that the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), would hold a walimah no later than a day after the nikah. If you want your “fairy tale” reception, then wait to get married. Couples are in such a rush to get married so they can have halal sex (let’s keep it real), that they don’t really ask pertinent questions and resolve any lingering issues. That’s what leads to unhappy marriages or divorce.
Well, I was about to elope. My sweetie and I were going to get married at a masjid in NYC and not tell anyone. But we thought it was kind of sneaky : ) I don’t like big weddings for myself (or being stared at) so I felt extremely uncomfortable on my wedding day.
Like everyone else said the nikah is just the contract between the couple but I think its also good to think about the feelings of your family if possible. I don’t see anything wrong with delaying a ceremony for a few hours or a day to make sure that those who love you can witness it. You don’t want any hurt feelings. I think alot of mothers want to see their daughters get married…
@ Habibah. Thanks for keeping it real. People do need to slow their roll a little. LOL!
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh..
That is exactly what happened to me and my Zawj in January of this year, to be honest it was me who delayed it for a bit, not to say that I didn’t want to marry him right away and become his Wife; but I also wanted to choose the beautiful material to create or purchase my wedding dress, the invitations, decorations, choosing foods to serve and so forth..
BUT what shook me back into reality was my Zawj who reminded me of the importance of being married and how it affected/reflected upon 1/2 of his deen(as per completion) and after saying that who was I to argue about it right?!
We did slowly inform our relatives as to us becoming Husband and Wife, some of which are still not as accepting of the news without the invitation in advance, so we’ve decided to hold/host a celebration of sorts next year insha’Allah and will be able to invite all of those we weren’t originally in attendance. But looking back in retrospect; if I could do it differently, I really don’t think I would have changed a thing!
Salaams
Married it just not about me and him. But married, speacially in Islam, it’s all about two family. that’s why i really want everybody know when i’m married. the whole world actually! :-)
i soo agree with you. It’s the union of two family..i love that now i have more family members to rely on..
i got married n my family didnt f9ind out a week later because i packed n moved to a different state without them knowing
somewhat similar has happen to me . My mom didnt attend my wedding but I was alittle hurt . My mom excuse was she just started a job and she didnt want to take off so soon but I planned this ahead. It was okay though I got over it because I married to husband that Allah has blessed me with.
My husband and I basically were new shahadas with no other muslim family members so it was kind of hard for them to understand why we didn’t just “date” first and then get married. So we pretty much eloped and had vowal renewal/waliymah a few years later.
i cant imagine getting married without my family
I am 24th year old send me for wedding detail thanks
Unfortunately I got married without my father being there and I don’t think he met my husband until a year or more later. My father is not a practicing Muslim, he is really just learing the deen. He was in another country and my intendent and I wanted to hurry to do what was right by Allah- get maried! We would’ve had to put off our nikah for a very long time if we had waited for my father. I never imagined the small wedding I had, never imagined Dad not being there, but I wasn’t Muslim when I dreamed of the big wedding shindig! I don’t feel I betrayed my Dad, but I do feel I pleased Allah. Allahu Alim.
I only had my little sister at my Nikah.. and that is because i am her guardian. I am the only muslim in my family. I was not even involved in my wedding.. I converted a few weeks before i was married and had no clue i would not be involved in it. . i probably would not have done it if i had known. . we had it all planned out i was to sit by my wali and him by his father. the wali andfather next to each other.. what happened was i was not allowed in the room, it was only men who heard anything and i did not get to hear, see or agree on my behaf on anything. . it was his fathers idea to keep me out and i have not forgiven him for ruining the most important day of my life.. my husband came out of the other room and hugged me.. i freaked out thinking we were not married yet and thats how i found out.. i ended up crying and leaving my nikah for about close to 30 mins maybe 40
I got married without not a single member of my family. My parents are muslims but refuse to accept that I want to marry a PRACTISING muslim man who wears the beard and his trousers above the ankle. They state it’s a strange way of dress and would never allow their daughter to marry such kind of men.
I got married without them. I cannot begin to explain the rahma and nur that Allah blessed my very small nikah and the way in which He Allah showed me that He had accepted.
Whatever we do for the sake of Allah, it doesn’t matter who is by our side as long as we have Allah.
My parents forced me into a nikah with my cousin (who I’ve always always despised) as soon as I turned 16. It’s now been two years – I have not spoken to him for about 3 years, we do not live together or have any type of relationship other than that of dislike. The problem is, he won’t back out of the marriage because he can get British citizenship through me. Please can someone tell me whether this counts as a marriage, whether I can end it, and how to be happy while still keeping my family with me? I’m desperate
Hmmmm MAria, my first incline would be to say no…no contact? Talk to your imam and really see what can be done because I’m sorry, but this doesnt seem right…I really think you should look into it…talk to an imam or ulema and see what can be done! Good luck sister!
No, we’ve had absolutely no contact whatsoever. I’m afraid to go and ask my Imam because he’s close friends with my father. I just hate it when people confuse religion with culture – this is making life so difficult.
I would marry anyone of my parent’s choice, just not this guy. I don’t think it’ll be possible for me to remain on good terms with my parents if I back out of this. I’m far from being a perfect person, but what should I, as a Muslim, do sister?
And when I say ‘on good terms’, I mean that I would be disowned =S
Well Maria to tell you the truth I don’t really know how you could be married to someone and not talk for three years.
Also your parents can’t force you into a marriage that you don’t want to be in. In fact in Islam it is forbidden. I believe that marriage should be for those who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. And did you say he can get British citezenship through you? He’s using you. This is sincere advice from one sister to another I say YOU CUT HIM LOOSE!!!!! There’s no other solution I mean from the sound of it he doesn’t even love you.
Inshalla may allah help you in this difficult time
P.S. Im sorry if I had offended you in any way. Or sounded harsh at all. It was just from the heart.
No, I wasn’t offended at all. Thank you so much.
I told my parents it was forbidden, but then they came up with ‘In Islam it also says that you must do what your parents tell you to’.
I think the biggest thing is that I feel guilty – that they do so much for me and I can’t do this for them =S
I will try to follow your advice, and InshAllah everything will turn out alright, I’ve just got to be patient. Thank you again to both of you xx
Be strong MAria, really…If you can’t go to you’r family’s Imam, then find another…In Islam, as a husband, he HAS a duty to provide for you. I mean there are so many obligations that have to be met on both sides…Don’t waste your preciious years dear…talk to an Ahlim and try to find a way inchAllah…maybe if a scholar approaches your parents and makes them see the way, they will listen…try your best, but remeber to stay respectful towards them, because that is a commandement of Allah.
Salaam Maria!
I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. No-there is nothing in Islam that tells you that you have to do what your parents say.
You must respect them, be kind to them, be generous but most Muslims are wrong when they say there is an obligation to “obey” the parents in Islam. See if you can find that in the Qur’an. I don’t believe it is there.
In fact there is a direct command to disobey your parents if they lead you astray in your deen.
We don’t want to hurt out parents by being harsh to them-but they also should not “force” us to do anything. There is no compulsion in religion.
Secondly-I am not quite sure but if you never consummated your marriage it may be invalid. Besides your imam (who may be biased) you might want to find a sheikh/sheikha who will advocate for you from within an Islamic framework. Best of luck, sis!
assalamon alaikom evryone muslim brothers and sisters just im writing something do oll muslim brothers and sisters l ask to evryone can make dua for me plzzz because im so sad l have some probelm l hope god save me for that soon inshalah and god save evry people who is like my?salamon alaikom
salam inshallah i will make dua for you, brother yusef, just believe in allah and stay strong in your iman, if you fail in this lifes but are true to allah you will suceed in the after life,
who cares? These days so many muslim girls have sex before marriage I don’t know why they even get married.
not all girls are like that though, I am most definately not. but it is true and very sad that more and more girls are having sex before marriage but I don’t think that it is our place to judge them , I do not condone or agree with it in any waY but we must set a good example, give shukr that our Imaan is strong enough to resist temptation and make dua that they find the right path again. it is Allah’s (swt) place to judge them on their deeds in this world. Many girls who also don’t have a good islamic support do go astray and if they ask for maaf and truly repent then that is between them and Allah (swt) the Most Merciful and if you sincerely repent then surely you will be forgiven and become a better muslim and it is not our place to hold their wrongdoings against them, only to help and guide them.
Ahmed, totally inappropriate thing to say.
As for the blog, congrats, belated but congrats anyway. These things happen. My parents were supposed to have a wedding and didnt, yet 25 years later all is well. In the end its the marriage not the wedding. However, I can understand you being sad that you couldnt be there. At least you will be at the reception.
Are you married? What was your wedding like sis?